Wednesday, February 23, 2011

F&B Manager for Rooftop Hotel Lounge

Allow me to introduce myself, I’m the food and beverage manager of your dreams. I’m ready to be a rockstar for your rooftop lounge and heat up your venue. I have a passion for the hospitality industry, especially hotel bars. I’ve had 5 years experience in the bar industry, and I’ve gotten guys to buy over 500 drinks for me in that timeframe. How’s that? It’s because I know how to work the bar, even if I don’t work for the bar.

I’ve worked my moves at some of the most high volume bars in downtown Chicago and I always manage to get someone to buy me a drink. I’ve got a great rapport with clientele and an excellent repeat buyer ratio. Retention is always important because once you get the first drink you have to follow through to make sure that patron buys more drinks for you.

I also know the layout of a full bar very well, and even though I’ve never paid for a drink I’ve ordered everything from Campari to Chateauneuf-du-P√Ępe.

I’ve also got amazing mathematical skills, as I’ve helped many of my clients calculate a 20% tip. I’ll let you in on my trick: you move the decimal one space to the left and multiply it by two. Put those phone calculators away boys, I know math!

I can tell you’re skeptical of my ability to work a very hip downtown bar, but I know nightlife like no other. I can always tell which guys are married and which ones are looking to pay for sex, and then adjust my strategy accordingly to always get the drink that I want. The married guys don’t wear rings so you can find out if they have a family by asking what they drive; if it’s a Ford or a Volvo or something like that they’re totally married and you should appeal to their masculine side. If they drive a trashy expensive car like a Jaguar they’re looking for a hooker so you should play hard to get until they start spending money on drinks.

I’ve always had a passion for the hotel industry and have had many great one-night stands in hotels. All of the hotel staff know me by now because I leave them tips so they won’t give me dirty looks. I’m great at managing people in the service industry, I even got one guy to let me in the pool at the Palmer House by flirting with him last summer. It was so nice!

I know you’re pretty impressed by my abilities but I want to assure you that I’m completely humble and a real team player. I love to work with people, even if I’m competing with them to get guys to buy me drinks. I think it’s important to develop good relationships with your peers because they’ll definitely give you the heads up on which guys are stingy and will order you a drink then not pay for it. How tacky is that? Not I! With me it’s 100% class.

I can’t wait for an interview, how about we talk over drinks? Your treat?

Best Regards,
Zack Eliasz

Thursday, February 17, 2011

Financial Analyst for Magazine Megapublisher

What's the one thing you desire most of all? You may think it's money, or power, or even sex, but what you want is someone like me working for you! I'll make you money, empower your budget to do more, and even make your spreadsheets sexy. Yeah, yeah, you've heard it. But I'm no one night stand employee, allow me to tell you why I'm more than just a lot of lip service.

I talk a mean game, but my analytical skills are second to none. I have applied these skills in my vast experience working in the coffee industry as a professional buyer of caramel cappuccinos. You see, in the fourth quarter of 2010 I noticed a sharp decline in disposable income and correctly forecast a bleak future if the caramel cappuccino budgetary discrepancies were not resolved. Anticipating the seasonal spike of caramel cappuccino demand, I made calculated adjustments to the allotted departmental spending. Allow me to illustrate this point with a pie chart.

End of 2010 expenses:

Proposed 2011 budget:

As you can see I've successfully eliminated the unnecessary expenditures (food, drink) in order to accommodate the more vital areas. And by removing the unnecessary component food I have increased the effectiveness of Prada purchases.

I'd like to apply these principles to your business and trim the fat on your operating expenses. Just think how sleek and sexy your company will be with a sharp go-getter like me reigning in the excess. As a financial liaison I'll make spreadsheets that will rock your world, graphs and diagrams that will satiate even the most penny-pinching of corporate executives, and I'll put together PowerPoint presentations that will give your board members goosebumps. That's right, I put the fine in finance.

So let's talk, caramel cappuccinos on me.

Best Regards,
Zack Eliasz

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Director of Social Media for Everything Store

To Whom It May Concern:

You want a modern media whiz to enrich your customer's experience. I want to tell you why I'm the one to develop your social media, true to form, in a tweet:

If those 14o characters weren't enough, allow me to elaborate.

My finger is on the pulse. I know all the right people on twitter, and make sure they know I'm there by tagging them frequently in tweets that have nothing to do with them:

I have extensive networking skills and plan to use them to position your brand ahead of competitors:

I have lots of great innovative ideas and strategies for building global campaigns. Here's how I would use my expertise to make my kitty's website a web phenomenon:

Step 1. uses SEO optimization to show up #1 on Google no matter what you search for.

Step 2. launches interactive features that allow you to send treat donations, view live webcams, and monitor who's tweeting about kitty using her personal promoted hash tag on twitter.

Step 3. Use of seductive advertising on Facebook, and special promotions only available if you "like" kitty on Facebook.

Step 4. Kitty employs a team of unpaid interns to blog about her daily life and send out press releases to major publications.

Step 5. Based on market research, kitty discovers that her target audience is 15-19-year-old girls living in Japan. We respond to this demographic by posting videos of kitty on Youtube doing cute things, narrated by a Japanese pop singer.

Step 6. Kitty's videos and blogs go viral, creating self-perpetuating free marketing. Google buys for 4.2 billion dollars.

As I've demonstrated I have a solid plan for building your brand, broadening your social reach, and making your company tweetable. I'm following you on twitter, are you ready to follow me to a brighter future for your company?

Best Regards,
Zack Eliasz

Manager of Sales for a Major Retailer

Are you looking for someone confident, experienced, and personable to increase revenue and establish efficient staff protocols? Of course you are! However, what you may not know is that I'm the person to deliver these results for you. Let me tell you why.

I have outstanding leadership skills. I can lead anyone anywhere. I often convince tourists that I know my way around a neighborhood, even if I don't. Then I usually lead them to somewhere they weren't looking to go and once we get there I convince them that is where they really wanted to go. It may be true that the customer is always right, but management always knows best. And I know how to manage the expectations of those I lead. I also have extensive experience directing sales professionals. I frequent your downtown Chicago store and give clear, detailed, and effective directions for finding the clothes that I'm looking for. And I always get what I want, I have a 100% satisfaction rate with everything that I buy.

But how can I drive sales, and exceed yearly projections? Let me tell you! I used to work in the bread industry as a barista for Cosi, and people often ordered things that I didn't feel like making or would take too long to make. Everybody thinks they want caramel and whipped cream and little bits of chocolate sprinkled on top of their coffee drinks. But deep down I know that every person, every single person, wants a skim vanilla latte. So, I made skim vanilla lattes for everyone. And I know you think you know where this story is going, but prepare to be surprised! Because I wasn't using 90% of the materials at the barista station I cut costs and sped up the efficiency of the station by about four billion percent. At first, people were upset about not getting what they ordered, but I always made sure to explain to them why they actually wanted a skim vanilla latte. I not only convinced customers to drink what I made for them, I convinced them to order it again! Skim vanilla lattes were up two million percent and became the number one most popular item on the menu. And if I can do that with milk and espresso, imagine what I can do with designer jeans!

You owe it to yourself to hire someone as dynamic, revolutionary, and inspired as I am. And you owe it to me to call back for an interview.

I'm looking forward to being the best Sales Manager you've ever hired!

Best Regards,
Zack Eliasz

To Whom It May Concern:

My name is Zack Eliasz and I'd like to tell you why I am the excellent candidate to blog for you.

You're sitting at home with a cup of coffee, or you're at work (I'm jealous), or maybe you're just RSSkimming for something to read on the train— you need someone experienced, trustworthy, and knowledgeable. Well, I'm happy to tell you that I'm none of those things. I am young (jealous?), full of wit, and google words to make sure I'm using them to the best effect. I will not write about things that matter. In fact, I'm going to write about my boyfriend's cat, inane experiences I've had working in administrative jobs, and my profound ability to dress to impress.

I take my work seriously, and you're guaranteed to be at least a little bit interested from time to time. You'll get a chuckle out of my blind ambition to apply for 100k+ jobs to pay off my 100k+ debt. You'll appreciate my ballsy use of irrelevant and sometimes even irreverent anecdotes in hypothetical cover letters for positions I'm not even remotely qualified for.

And it gets better! Being unemployed I'll post somewhat frequently and if you have the pleasure of being connected to me on any social networking site I'll cram every last post down your inbox' throat. And if that isn't enough to whet your appetite or mute me on facebook, I'm going to document the (sometimes desperate) attempts to get the attention of HR managers all over Chicago via video resumes, photographic demonstration of my abilities, and lewd text messages sent to sports journalists.

I eagerly await your readership and look forward to mildly entertaining you.

Best Regards,
Zack Eliasz
putting the ploy back in employment