Manager of Sales for a Major Retailer

Are you looking for someone confident, experienced, and personable to increase revenue and establish efficient staff protocols? Of course you are! However, what you may not know is that I'm the person to deliver these results for you. Let me tell you why.

I have outstanding leadership skills. I can lead anyone anywhere. I often convince tourists that I know my way around a neighborhood, even if I don't. Then I usually lead them to somewhere they weren't looking to go and once we get there I convince them that is where they really wanted to go. It may be true that the customer is always right, but management always knows best. And I know how to manage the expectations of those I lead. I also have extensive experience directing sales professionals. I frequent your downtown Chicago store and give clear, detailed, and effective directions for finding the clothes that I'm looking for. And I always get what I want, I have a 100% satisfaction rate with everything that I buy.

But how can I drive sales, and exceed yearly projections? Let me tell you! I used to work in the bread industry as a barista for Cosi, and people often ordered things that I didn't feel like making or would take too long to make. Everybody thinks they want caramel and whipped cream and little bits of chocolate sprinkled on top of their coffee drinks. But deep down I know that every person, every single person, wants a skim vanilla latte. So, I made skim vanilla lattes for everyone. And I know you think you know where this story is going, but prepare to be surprised! Because I wasn't using 90% of the materials at the barista station I cut costs and sped up the efficiency of the station by about four billion percent. At first, people were upset about not getting what they ordered, but I always made sure to explain to them why they actually wanted a skim vanilla latte. I not only convinced customers to drink what I made for them, I convinced them to order it again! Skim vanilla lattes were up two million percent and became the number one most popular item on the menu. And if I can do that with milk and espresso, imagine what I can do with designer jeans!

You owe it to yourself to hire someone as dynamic, revolutionary, and inspired as I am. And you owe it to me to call back for an interview.

I'm looking forward to being the best Sales Manager you've ever hired!

Best Regards,

Zack Eliasz

To Whom It May Concern:

My name is Zack Eliasz and I'd like to tell you why I am the excellent candidate to blog for you.

You're sitting at home with a cup of coffee, or you're at work (I'm jealous), or maybe you're just RSSkimming for something to read on the train— you need someone experienced, trustworthy, and knowledgeable. Well, I'm happy to tell you that I'm none of those things. I am young (jealous?), full of wit, and google words to make sure I'm using them to the best effect. I will not write about things that matter. In fact, I'm going to write about my boyfriend's cat, inane experiences I've had working in administrative jobs, and my profound ability to dress to impress.

I take my work seriously, and you're guaranteed to be at least a little bit interested from time to time. You'll get a chuckle out of my blind ambition to apply for 100k+ jobs to pay off my 100k+ debt. You'll appreciate my ballsy use of irrelevant and sometimes even irreverent anecdotes in hypothetical cover letters for positions I'm not even remotely qualified for.

And it gets better! Being unemployed I'll post somewhat frequently and if you have the pleasure of being connected to me on any social networking site I'll cram every last post down your inbox' throat. And if that isn't enough to whet your appetite or mute me on facebook, I'm going to document the (sometimes desperate) attempts to get the attention of HR managers all over Chicago via video resumes, photographic demonstration of my abilities, and lewd text messages sent to sports journalists.

I eagerly await your readership and look forward to mildly entertaining you.

Best Regards,

Zack Eliasz

putting the ploy back in employment